Maybe I should explain this list a little before I go on. There are certain people in this world who are naturally gifted at making others laugh. In general, these people make the world a better place. There are, however, others who are not so endowed with this talent. Even worse, there are a select few who aren't funny, but have convinced the media at large to believe that they are. This has resulted in you and I being forced into believing that these people have actual comedic talent by their constant barrage of movies, TV shows, sketches on popular late night comedy shows, or some combined mixture of all three.
Fear not adoring readers! For I am willing to stand up and say, "No more!" I am willing to proclaim to the world that these 5 men are not only NOT funny, but that some of them produce feelings of anger, sadness, and even confusion in the general populace. Which, I'm 63% sure is the opposite of a comedian's goal...
5. Ben Stiller
I have to confess something right now: I want to like Ben Stiller. Badly. I really do. I go to see all of his movies. I watch the TV shows he's on. I even watch the stuff that he works on as a writer or director. And all of these things have one thing in common: I walk out feeling disappointed. Every single thing this guy does is exactly the same. He always does the awkward, stuttering, slightly nerdy guy who thinks he's cool. The fact that he's married to the girl who played Melody on Hey Dude makes me sad. Dear Mr. Stiller: please update your act!
4. Eugene Levy
Once upon a time, this guys schtick was funny. (See SCTV and American Pie 1) But now, after years and years of repeated "Un-hip dad-like" characters I have to say something: Please, whoever is giving this man work, stop. STOP NOW before it's too late! Now, before you email me and curse my family, I will admit to having never seen Waiting For Guffman, Best In Show, or A Mighty Wind. I tried on Waiting for Guffman. But I just didn't get it. Maybe I'm not smart enough. But I doubt that's it. I think that some people just enjoy that type of humor. And those are the same people who watched Frasier.
3. Horatio Sanz
Now we're starting to get into some passionate feelings. Saturday Night Live has always had "The Fat Guy". Back in the 70's it was Belushi. In the 90's it was Farley. and in the late 90's/2000's it has been Horatio Sanz. Now, I've always thought that SNL has had some pretty smart comedy during it's time on the air. But this guy just deflates any sketch that he's in. At least with Farley you could always count on the very best in physical comedy. Horatio just smiles into the camera, recites whatever "dumb guy" lines the writers penned for him this week, and half the time concludes the sketch by laughing at how bad his own delivery is. Last night's SNL had one of his I'm Carol! sketches on it and I promise you, it may have been the worst thing that I have ever seen on the show. Please Lorne, just let him go so he can make more amazing movies like Boat Trip and Tomcats.
2. Fred Willard
Even now, as I type, I feel my stomach begin to churn because of the comedy career of Fred Willard. This guy has been in every comedy ever filmed, whether it be TV or movies, and has yet to be funny once. I think that one of the requirements that you have to fill whenever you are trying to get a TV show on the air is "Are you willing to have Fred Willard do a guest spot?" If you answer no, then you're done. Your show will never make it onto the tube. Don't believe me? Just go here and scroll down and look at how many guest appearances he's made. You know, with the other guys that are on this list, I can say, "He does this bit.", or "He always plays this type." I cannot say that about Fred, because I have no idea what he does to convince people to keep putting him in comedies. As far as I can tell, he just recites his lines like he would read a phone book. I've never been a part of a protest before, be it non-violent or not. But, I'm tempted to organize one just to get this guy deported back to Canada and off of my TV.
1. Kenan Thompson
This guy first showed up on Nickelodeon's All That. Back then, he would mug for the camera and say his lines like he was trying to do an impression of Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura. Then Nickelodeon gave him and Kel Mitchell (Laurel to Keenan's Hardy) their own show. New show, new time, same lame acting. And then the unthinkable happened. SNL hired Thompson on to be a part of it's cast. I nearly had an aneurysm. My sacred oasis of comedy gold, my humorous holy of holies was being violated by this comedy pagan. My one true hope lied in him being relegated to featured player for one or two seasons and then dismissed. Erased, like this mistake never happened. But then, this year he was promoted to repertory player. I cannot even begin to describe for you how I feel whenever he wastes precious airtime by appearing on screen. Anger...blood boiling...seeing red...must not transform... I hope that, one day, we can all live in peace here on the earth, world hunger will end, there will be no more of the AIDS pandemic, literacy rates will go up, teen pregnancies will go down, and Kenan Thompson will never be paid to be "funny" again. For that would truly be heaven on earth.
So there. That's my list of five guys who I think are violently NOT funny. Agree or disagree, I cannot stand idly by and help to perpetrate this scam any longer. I had to stand up for you and make sure that we are never again told to laugh at what is, in fact, just not that funny...