6/22/2006

One Of the Many Reasons I Have a Crush On Amy Poehler...

One of the many cliché plot devices used in sitcoms over the years, especially sitcoms whose two main characters are romantically linked, is "the list". "The list" is defined as a list of people whom you, if you ever met, would be allowed to cheat on your spouse with. TV has led me to believe that every person who is married has their own list, and at some point in their marriage a conflict will arise, be funny, and get solved in thirty minutes, all because of "the list". And TV never lies.

Well, I'm not married. And If I was, I wouldn't make up a list of women to cheat on my wife with, no matter how unlikely my meeting them would be. And I certainly wouldn't laminate it and keep it in my wallet. (Those of you who watch Friends just got that. The rest of you probably think I have a bad case of OCD.) But I do have something going for me that these people on TV don't have.

I would characterize myself as a slighly awkward person normally. Not too much, but just a little. However, whenever I am in the presence of a girl that I like like that, I inevitably go off the charts on the awkward meter. Seriously. I can't help it. No matter how hard I try to be cool, I just make it worse. It's like being stuck in a chinese finger trap. The more you try, the worse it is for you. All of that to say this: I have my own "the list". But it's a little different than the one I previously mentioned. My "the list" is a list of girls who, if I ever met them, I would be spectacularly awkward around because I have huge crushes on them. I know. I should abbreviate the title.

Amy Poehler is on that list.

Now, she's not in the top five. But she is in the top ten.

One day, I'll post the list for you guys. Until then, you'll just have to wonder.

But, here is one of the many reasons why I think Amy Peohler is amazing and, if I ever met her, I would be spectacularly awkward around her:

Amy Poehler’s 8 Simple Rules
For Being a Civilized New Yorker

1. Be nice to everyone, especially people wearing hospital bracelets.
2. Don’t ask white girls if they “left their @$$ at home.”
3. If you have to bring your baby to a movie, make sure he laughs at appropriate times.
4. Don’t eat Cheetos and then sit down at a fancy hotel piano.
5. If you are in Central Park and think you are getting mugged, first check to see if maybe you’re just part of a student film.
6. If you see Oprah at a fancy function, don’t grab her wrist and ask for money. Quietly sneak up behind her and whisper, “You give me that money, Oprah. You hear me?”
7. When walking on a New York street, try not to spit, litter, bleed, or take a crap.
8. If you need to do any of these things, try to do it between two parked cars.

Ahh, Amy...

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