11/07/2006

You Should Read McSweeney's...

...If for no other reason than this little gem right here. Check out McSweeney's...






AARON SORKIN VISITS A DENTAL HYGIENIST.
BY JACK PENDARVIS


DENTAL HYGIENIST: Can you open up for me, Mr. Sorkin?

AARON SORKIN: Hey, what is this music?

DENTAL HYGIENIST: I'm not sure. It's just something they pipe in. "Girl From Ipanema"?

AARON SORKIN: Because it sounds like Poulenc. Are you familiar with Les Six?

DENTAL HYGIENIST: I'm going to need you to stop talking, please.

AARON SORKIN: Of course you're not familiar with Les Six. In these days of freedom fries!

DENTAL HYGIENIST: I just need to ...

AARON SORKIN: You know what's weird about Poulenc? It sounds like you're pronouncing him wrong, even when you're doing it right. It's the "ank" sound, as in "Paul Anka." I guess you've never heard of Paul Anka, either.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: Can you open wide for me, please?

AARON SORKIN: You would think it would be the "ankh" sound, as in the ankh, the Egyptian symbol of life. But it's not. It's the Paul Anka sound. You know, it would help if you said certain words back to me, just random sentences that use the same key words I'm using.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: I have a lot of other patients who need their teeth cleaned, so ...

AARON SORKIN: Like I say, "Les Six," and you say, "Les Shut Up!" Something like that. I don't know. That's just off the top of my head. It doesn't have to make sense. It just has to sound like banter. It has to give a banterlike impression. Hey, that's a good example. I could say, "It just has to sound like banter," and then you shoot back, real quick-like, "Oh, it has to give a banterlike impression." We just say the same words back to one another over and over in different random orders.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: OK, that sounds nice. Maybe at the end of the appointment, when I'm removing your bib. But right now I need you to open wide so I can ...

AARON SORKIN: Oh, then, at the end, you say something like, "In the United States today, 30 percent of the people can't do so-and-so and here we are bantering about Poulenc." And then we both look sad.

DENTAL HYGIENIST: You sleep now.

(The DENTAL HYGIENIST suddenly places a mask over AARON SORKIN's face and turns up the laughing gas full force. Soon AARON SORKIN is out like a light.)

DENTAL HYGIENIST: It's "Girl From Ipanema," jerk.

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