2/28/2007

A Long Time Ago We Used To Be Friends...

Editor's Note: Readers beware: you are entering dangerous territory. I'm warning you ahead of time to turn back. Seriously. Because what you are about to encounter, no mere mortal has survived to retell. You are about to read a rant that has been building inside of my head for some time. Well I can't hold it in anymore! So, my apologies to you, dear reader, for having to endure my harangue.

There are several categories that humans can be divided up into. Now, I don't typically condone labeling people, but I feel like this is an acceptable deviation from my normal social philosophy. So, what follows is a list of groups of people that make me want to go astronaut diapers. If you belong to any of these groups, I'm sorry, but we can no longer be friends. I look forward to killing you soon...

1) People who walk more than 2 x 2 down the hallway at the mall. Excuse me. Do you how big of a hurry I'm in? I have 130 Middle School students waiting on me in a room the size of half a Taco Bell. And if I don't get 4 rubber chickens for a game that we're playing in 13 minutes then they'll riot like a bunch of 4th graders on Red Bull when you take away their Yu-Gi-Oh! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

2) People who say "I'll call you", but never do. Dude, I never see you. We should hang out. OK, when do you want to do it? I'll call you and let you know. NO YOU WON'T! If you're not going to call me DON'T SAY YOU WILL!

3) People who, even though the giant theater only has 6 other people in it besides me, come and sit in the row right behind me, in the seats right behind me, and talk throughout the whole movie. Do you see the hundreds of other seats in this theater? Do you know that they are vacant? I have now put up with your thoughtlessness for 17 minutes. As a result, you have left me no choice but to do what I have often times thought I was too classy for: I'm going to release the largest barking spider I have, and then get up, pretending to go to the restroom. This will, of course, ensure that the spider has enough room to attack you with all of the aggression it can muster. NEXT TIME GIVE ME SOME PERSONAL SPACE AND KEEP QUIET!

4) People who stand less than 2 feet away from me while I am waiting in line. No, I didn't use a new shampoo today. That means that you don't have to be close enough to smell my hair. BACK UP! You don't know me and I don't let my parents get that close! If you come even an inch closer, I'm going to turn around and let out a giant, fake, wet sneeze that will get all over your shirt. Go ahead, test me...

5) Parents who consistently show up 30 minutes late after every event to pick up their student. Parents, I love your students. I really do. So much, in fact, that I've devoted my life to helping them. But our small groups have ended at 8:30pm FOR TWO YEARS NOW! I just fought off ten 6th grade boys from attacking the smelly kid with wiffle ball bats and I want to go home and eat a Lean Pocket and watch LOST!

1 comment:

Courtney said...

Yes I'm feeling guilty, and yes I think I fall into one of those categories. I'm HORRIBLE at calling you back. Please know it's not just you. Its calling back in general. It doesn't mean I love you any less, it just means I suck!
I'm sorry!