Now, normally in this situation (and especially with this church) I would be beyond excited at the opportunity to be considered for employment. However, as of right now, I'm dealing with a mixture of feelings that are quite surprising to me. But, maybe I should back up a little...
Even though I left my last job at the end of December, and announced my departure at the end of October, the process of determining whether or not I was leaving began in August. Unfortunately, the process of dealing with this loss didn't start until maybe the end of December. You see, I've traditionally been a person who, in a purely reactionary way, doesn't deal with his feelings. From the time I was fourteen, I've hid from them. I've buried them deep and soldiered on, all the while doing my best to not show my insides to anyone, especially me. I suppose part of it was that I didn't want to be seen as weak. But most of it was that I knew it couldn't hurt me if I denied its existence.
But that's not right. That's not healthy. About three years ago, I heard (and subsequently bought) a message from Rob Bell on grief. In it, he said that we've got to fully feel our grief without being consumed or controlled by it. He said, "If you don't let it out, it'll always be in there."
What I'm discovering now is that I haven't let it all out. I haven't dealt with it all.
I find myself being gun shy. I find myself with cynical suspicions in regards to the church, specifically those that are employed by it. I find myself with doubts as to whether God really does have another place for me to serve in mind. I find myself almost expecting rejection even as a new opportunity presents itself. And none of these things are me. They're foreign entities floating around inside my head and heart, attacking greater things like hope and faith.
And so, instead of excitement and wonder, I find myself somehow diluted when considering the possibility of new adventures. I feel like my hope has been punched in the stomach.
Now, I soldier on in a different way: a wounded lion who has yet to rediscover his roar. But I want to... And I will.
As I drive, I'll pray. I'll pray for God to lift the veil that's been over my heart for some time now. I'll pray for Him to give me clear eyes, not clouded by cynicism. I'll pray for His will to be done. And I'll pray that He'll continue to walk with me through the valleys of grief that I still have to go through...